It happened two days ago. The work week had been a busy one, but I was feeling like I had an energetic spunk in my step. I was on track and moving through a very productive day. In spite of falling off of my healthy band wagon over the past month, I was feeling particularly good about myself; good hair day, cute outfit, jewelry that rocked, and high heels. Just feeling good and focused.
The mail had just been delivered to my desk, so I was walking around and handing it out to my coworkers, giving them all a cheery “Hello!” as I dropped items onto their desks. With a busy month behind me, and a fairly clear calendar ahead of me, I was feeling pretty jazzed about the forward momentum I was feeling. As I finished up and turned to walk back into my office, I felt the punch! BAM!
“What the…?!?!” I had just been sucker punched right in my back!! As I tried to relax and hobble back over to my chair, I told myself, “Don’t even think about it. Just relax. Mind over matter…mind over matter.” But as I sat there, the pain became so intense I thought I’d go crazy. Before I knew it, the entire area was becoming a huge knot, seizing to the point of pain if I even moved my right arm. And good grief, it was right in that upper area of the back that’s impossible to reach, but I sure tried. I thought that if I could just rub it out, the knot would subside and relax. However, the stretch to try to reach it caused the pain to go up the side of my neck.
The feeling of old age and worry began to creep in. I don’t just flick off those pains like I used to. No, my brain begins to take me on a mental rollercoaster ride of possibilities as to what could be causing such pain. Instead of thinking I’ve simply pulled a muscle, my mental ride loops me around twists and turns of, “Is it my heart?! Is it some sort of foreign growth?!” Yes friends, I am a closet worrier when it comes to health issues. I guess when you’re diagnosed with hypertension (which I always thought was just over-the-top positive energy) and are told “…it’s the silent killer, especially in women,” well…the brain can take you on some serious loop de loops when even normal stuff happens.
I immediately logged into Avocado (a great site for couples, by the way) to have an IM chat with my husband. “Are you there?!” I type. (pause…for what seems like forever) “Yep, I’m right here.” he writes back to me, seconds later. I begin to tell him about the pain I’m in and I write, “Please tell me that I’m okay.” Seriously….this man of mine is amazing in so many ways. He never ever treats me like the big baby I sometimes turn into. Instead, he assures me with all sorts of encouragement that he knows how to speak in my own language. Thank you HB.
He writes back, “You are fine, my love. You’ve had a lot of stress going on and I think it finally hit you.” I write, “You think so…?”
Huh. Stress? Could it really be that? I took pause for a moment to go through the mental list of things that had taken place over the last month or so.
Hmm, let’s see…my old boss retired, a new boss stepped in. Attended new meetings and assisted in office moves. Made travel arrangements for out-of-town wedding. Went through address book to find someone to take care of the animals while the family was out-of-town. Attended non-work meetings and events. Planned, coordinated, bought decorations, food and other necessary items for out-of-town rehearsal dinner. Hosted rehearsal dinner. Attended most romantic and fun wedding ever! Paid bills. Scheduled and rescheduled meetings and events. Paid bills. Oh yeah…broke my tooth (the week before the wedding), made dental appointments for that. Paid big dental bill. Oh wait…that reminds me…excuse me for a sec while I take my blood pressure medication. 🙂
Yeah…I guess HB was right. I guess it was possible that a little bit of tension here and there punched me right square in my back. And this morning, when I woke up, I was reminded of it all over again.
So what do I do with all of this? How can I use this, in a positive way, to move forward?
In looking back on my big mental list, I was hit again…with a visual of what a control freak I really am! While I do love to create casual and relaxed settings for others, I practically kill myself in the process as I seek to acquire perfection.
This morning I picked up my “Jesus Calling” devotional and just have to share what today’s message said:
Trust ME enough to let things happen without striving to predict or control them. Relax, and refresh yourself in the Light of My everlasting Love. My Love-Light never dims, yet you are often unaware of My radiant Presence. When you project yourself into the future, rehearsing what you will do or say, you are seeking to be self-sufficient; to be adequate without My help. This is a subtle sin–so common that it usually slips by unnoticed.
The alternative is to live fully in the present, depending on Me each moment. Rather than fearing your inadequacy, rejoice in My abundant supply. Train your mind to seek My help continually, even when you feel competent to handle something by yourself. Don’t divide your life into things you can do by yourself and things that require My help. Instead, learn to rely on Me in every situation. This discipline will enable you to enjoy life more and to face each day confidently. ~Psalm 37:3-6; Philippians 4:19
Wow. Like balm to my sore muscles, just the thought of this Truth eases the tension within me. Why is it that I continually take the reins as I charge through the days of my life? I did have several spiritual moments throughout the busyness listed above. But that’s the thing…they were truly just moments. I didn’t really have Him with me as I charged in to make all things perfect.
We’re told to give thanks in everything…so that’s what I’m choosing to do today. In spite of the pain I still feel in my back, I’m feeling thankful that it caused me to slow my mind down enough to re-think the things that I do and the chaos I can create when I take control and go it alone. So today, I’m refocused spiritually…with Him out in front of me.
So what about you? Got any events on the horizon that you are over-the-top controlling? Come on, be honest. Have you even taken a moment to sit down, relax and depend on Him for your abundant supply? If not, I can’t encourage you enough to get your focus back. Re-read the words from my morning devotion.
My favorite part…”Instead, learn to rely on Me in every situation. This discipline will enable you to enjoy life more and to face each day confidently.” Oh yeah…Healing Balm…I just felt it rubbed into that little knot in my back.
Have a blessed day, friends.